Why Dan Andrews Should Refuse His Own Statue

Should a giant bronze statue be built in honour of former Victorian Labor Premier Daniel Andrews?

Let me answer that question in the immortal words of every NRL footballer who’s ever given a post match interview …

Yeah. Nah.

Yeah, because Dan Andrews qualifies for a statue under a policy introduced by former Liberal Premier Jeff Kennett.

The policy is beautifully bureaucratic in its simplicity.

It states that any premier - even a really, really bad one - who spends 3000 days or more in office will be immortalised in bronze.

Nah, because the three-time elected Dan Andrews is universally hated in this country’s greatest case of buyers’ remorse since Meatloaf was paid to perform at the AFL Grand Final.

Here’s the problem …

The fact that Dan Andrews singlehandedly turned the once great State of Victoria into a giant socialist pothole is irrelevant when it comes to the issue of a statue in his honour.

There’s nothing in the State’s statue policy that says the Premier has to have been any good. Only that he has to have gone on and on and on … like a Covid lockdown, for example.

And so Andrews, as Victoria’s fourth longest serving Premier, is eligible for the ultimate political participation trophy: a bronze statue of himself.

And why not?

Don’t you think Dan Andrews would have regularly looked at his own shadow and thought … “Nice, but what if it was heavy … and made of metal … in the shape of an idol.”

Here’s the problem. A long reign - Andrews ruled Victoria for almost nine years - doesn’t automatically equal a loved reign.

And Dan Andrews is loved in Victoria about as much as an acute case of myocarditis.

In fact, a new poll shows 74 percent of Victorians want his taxpayer funded bronze vanity project cancelled.

Even a majority of Labor voters oppose the tribute.

As for the 15 percent of Victorians in favour of the statue, well it’s thought most of them work for the CFMEU and hope to use that effigy as a stripper pole during ‘work’ breaks on the Suburban Rail Loop project.

But seriously, there’s a rare opportunity here for Daniel Andrews to rescue just a little bit of his tainted reputation.

What if the man himself called a press conference tomorrow to announce that he didn’t want the bronze blunder to go ahead.

He could say something like this …

“Leading the state of Victoria for 3219 days was a great honour and I appreciate that a statue is to be built recognising my service.

“But I recognise that my leadership, particularly during the pandemic, was deeply divisive.

“While I did my best, many Victorians suffered. And many more disagreed with decisions my government made.

“Rather than spending $130,000 our State does not have on a statue to honour me, I am calling on the government to use that money to fund ……

And this is where he could be creative.

He could ask his Labor colleagues to use the $130,000 to fund half a machete amnesty bin to help fix the crime crisis he caused.

Or he could ask his Labor colleagues to put the $130,000 toward paying down the almost trillion dollars worth of debt he left.

Or he could ask his Labor colleagues to spend the $130,000 funding security guards for the primary school adjacent to the site where he put a heroin injecting room.

The possibilities are endless. But you get the idea. Think of all the good he could do.

Imagine that.

Daniel Andrews telling Victorians, “Maybe a statue of me is not the most important thing you need right now.”

It would be an extraordinary act of humility.

Which is precisely why it’s so unlikely.

And that’s a pity.

Because a publicly funded bronze selfie of Dan Andrews, sitting in Melbourne’s public space, will NOT be appreciated.

Sure, a small number of Victorians suffering from an acute case of Stockholm Syndrome will see the statue as a fitting tribute to one of the great dictators of our time.

The rest will see it as a monument to lockdowns, mandates and government overreach.

So the statue won’t heal divisions. It’ll preserve them.

But Andrews could avoid that fate.

He could choose generosity over grievance, humility over hubris, service over symbolism.

And they could never build a statue of THAT Daniel Andrews. Because no-one would ever recognise him.