Supporting This Football Team is a Beautiful, Ugly, Glorious Tragedy

The first rule of football is ‘win games’. And the first rule of commerce is ‘don’t lecture your customers’.

So what do you think my beloved North Melbourne Football club does?

They lose games, AND they lecture their long suffering members. Double whammy.

I tell you, it’s hell supporting this club.

In 2020 we won 3 of 17 games.

In 2021 we won 4 of 22 games.

In 2022 we won 2 of 22 games.

In 2023 we won 3 of 22 games.

Yes, in the past 4 years we have won just 12 of 83 games.

I need a therapist.

So having finished bottom 2 of 18 clubs 4 years in a row, what does our club decide to focus on? It uses its social media platform to lecture supporters about the evils of Australia Day.

On our national day the club chose to tut-tut anyone celebrating Australia. Nort Melbourne tweeted this message to long suffering supporters …

“We recognise the pain and sadness many First Nations Peoples and the broader community may be experiencing at this time.

We will be stronger together when we can celebrate the history of the country we call home, on a date that unites us.”

It’s funny hearing North Melbourne lecturing us about what we should and should not celebrate. What does my club know about celebration? They’ve given us nothing to celebrate in 25 years.

As for uniting people … try winning a game of football occasionally! I can barely remember the team song, so rarely has been sung.

Hilariously, they added this note …

“To ensure the conversation remains respectful, we have chosen not to enable comments on this post.”

Someone needs to tell the Wokes at North Melbourne’s head office that it’s not a “conversation” if only one person is permitted to speak.

And, while they’re at it, would someone teach them how to kick a winning score. Maybe this will be the year? Who knows. Hope springs eternal.

But then, just two weeks later, our betters at North Melbourne HQ posted this …

“Happy Lunar New Year to all who celebrate! Wishing you a safe, healthy and happy year ahead.”

Our supporter base in Guangzhou would have been delighted.

I’m kidding. We don’t have supporters in Guangzhou, or anywhere else in China for that matter. The Chinese Communist Party doesn’t tolerate losers.

North Melbourne exists to win football premierships. It barely wins football games. Instead, it specialises in sooking up about Australia Day while going all cock-a-hoop about Chinese New Year.

All we want as fans is to enjoy the footy without having progressive politics shoved down our throats.

Oh, and winning the odd game of football here or there would be nice too.

Is that really too much to ask from your footy team?

(For the record, I would gladly follow North Melbourne into the abyss, all the while singing the theme song and waving my beloved blue and white scarf above my head. Following them is a beautiful, ugly, glorious tragedy.)