Qantas' First Ever Early Departure

Joyce takes off with a record amount of carry on

Alan Joyce has taken off with a record amount of carry on, retiring two months ahead of schedule in what is believed to be Qantas’ first ever early departure.

Like so many customers though, his baggage will not go with him. All of that will be left for incoming CEO Vanessa Hudson to handle.

(Thank you very much. I’ll be here all week)

Australia’s much-loved airline has taken a hammering in the past few months.

They support political causes like the Voice while refusing to answer questions about the Prime Minister’s son enjoying Chairman’s Lounge access because they don’t want to be political.

They boast of their highest ever profit ($2.45b) while refusing to pay even a cent back to taxpayers who propped them up to the tune of $2b during the Covid pandemic.

They claim to be the nation’s superior airline - and charge like it - while providing a service Aeroflot would be embarrassed by.

They claim to be the Spirit of Australia while refusing to refund Australians left out of pocket for flights that were canceled during the Covid pandemic.

They collude with the Albanese government to ensure competitors like Qatar would denied access to the market, forcing Australians to pay around 40 per cent more than necessary for international travel - and that during a cost of living crisis.

And then, to top it all off, they are charged by the Australian Consumer and Competition Commission, with selling tickets for flights that don’t exist.

You read that right. Qantas were allegedly selling tickets for flights that had already been cancelled, as if they still existed.

More like a flying turd than a flying kangaroo.

So CEO Alan Joyce, who has delivered for shareholders while trashing the brand and treating customers like morons, has jumped from the plane two months ahead of his mooted retirement date.

He didn’t jump without a parachute, of course. He is expected to leave with around $24m in bonuses.

Claiming his bonus should be as easy for him as claiming anything you are owed through Qantas.

Obviously, he will need to hurry since anything a person is entitled to claim from Qantas normally has a 5 minute expiry date attached.

All he will need to do is log into his Qantas Frequent Flyer account, enter a 35-digit code that the airline emailed him three years ago (he’ll find it after an hour of searching, in his spam file) and type in a password he doesn’t ever recall setting up.

He will then be redirected to a webpage that provides a 1800 number for him to call whereupon he will be told they are experiencing a heavy amount of calls and asked to wait before being disconnected about 20 minutes later.

At some point, between his third and eighth attempt on the 1800 number, he will be put through to an automated message in a difficult to understand foreign language directing him to a website which will advise him to call the 1800 number again.

It's a never ending loop - kind of like a carousel that goes around and around and around and around but never delivers anything.

Oh no, wait. I’m getting confused with the Qantas baggage service.