Jelly Beans Go Woke

'This just isn't my century'

A change of recipe means jelly beans are now vegan friendly.

The lollies are traditionally made using carmine, a red dye, which is obtained by boiling and grinding up beetles.

But boiling beetles is bad because - you know - beetle rights and stuff.

Last week they said eating bugs was the way of the future.

In February the WEF posted an article entitled “Five Reasons Why Eating Insects Could Reduce Climate Change”.

Channel Nine recently ran a story trumpeting the advent of chocolate-coated crickets.

But this week they say eating bugs is unethical.

So being Woke means consuming jelly beans free of beetle juice while stuffing your face full of chocolate coated crickets.

You know it makes sense.

Why do companies always make changes to well loved products based on what the least number of people want?

Seriously, how many vegans do you even know?

Apparently two pushbike riding executives, that have story time read to their kids by blokes in drag, thought vegan jelly beans were a marvellous idea. So everyone had to go along with it.

As a bloke who enjoys women who don’t have a penis, centre-right governments, thirsty v8 motorcars, steak and even the occasional iceberg lettuce, this just isn't my century.