IF / THEN
Hot takes on what's making news today
IF …
If you’re after some good news …
THEN …
I am happy to report that a woman - yes an actual woman with XX chromosomes to prove it - was crowned Miss Universe overnight.
What does it say about the state of the world right now when a woman being recognised as the most beautiful female in the world is big news?!
Denmark’s Victoria Kjaer Theilvig had to overcome 120 competitors, some of whom were chicks with dicks.
And most people assumed that a woman packing a little bit more, if you know mean, was going to take out the crown.
A bloke had already been recognised as Miss Spain.
And last year Miss Netherlands was unable to find socks, refusing to ask for directions when driving, and preferring to watch UFC rather than The Notebook.
“Return to Normalcy” read the Daily Mail headline as an actual woman was voted best woman.
Long may normalcy continue.
IF …
You think freedom of speech is under threat in the UK after a Telegraph newspaper columnist was visited by police after an anonymous complaint about a tweet she posted more than a year ago …
THEN …
What about news today that a 9-year-old primary school student had been investigated for calling a classmate a retard!
Or what about reports that two girls had been investigated for telling a classmate “you smell like fish”!
In the UK they call these Non-Crime Hate Instances. They are recorded on a person’s criminal file and referred to if ever an actual crime is committed.
George Orwell would not even believe it.
IF …
You want to know just how bad the Queensland Labor Government was …
THEN …
Consider the fact they spent $139,000 on advertising every day last financial year and still couldn’t convince the public to vote for them!
The $50.7m of taxpayer money Labor threw at government advertising was the largest amount ever spent, and eclipsed the previous year (a non election year) by 58 percent!
A spokeswoman for Labor said advertising had an “important role in keeping Queenslanders informed”.
Sure thing.
Oh, and enjoy life on the opposition benches.
IF
You think Queensland Labor spent a lot of money to lose an election …
THEN
Spare a thought for Kamala Harris!
The Democrats raised a billion dollars in just three months, spent it all, and lost the election in a landslide!
The question is now being asked … how do you spend THAT much money and still lose!
I mean, they paid Harpo Productions $1m to have Oprah Winfrey warn Americans that if they didn’t vote for Kamala they would never be allowed to vote again.
Who knew that wasn’t a good investment!
They paid social media influencers more than $4m. And still lost? With social media influencers on their side? No way!
Not even $450,000 a day, for the better part of a week, spent putting Kamala Harris’ face on the Sphere in Vegas was enough to win her the White House.
But here’s my favourite part.
The Dems spent half a billion dollars analysing campaign messaging in a bid to figure out what would work, and they still couldn’t figure out how to communicate with Joe Public.
For $500,000 they thought getting Julia Roberts to encourage wives to keep their votes secret from their husbands was a sure-fire election winner.
Little wonder they lost the election. You can’t govern for Americans when you don’t even know how to talk to them.
IF
The Victorian Labor Government has been promised $2.2b in federal funding for their Suburban Rail Loop just as soon as they provide Canberra with the business case …
THEN
Wouldn’t you think they’d have the business case on Albo’s desk within minutes?
Instead, after more than two years, the Federal Government is yet to see anything from Jacinta Allan’s government.
What does that tell you?
But don’t feel bad for the Feds, they haven’t released any money. Pity poor Victorians who are already facing a $34.5b bill for a rail loop they don’t want paid for by money they don’t have.
IF …
Playing a musical instrument and “emitting offensive noise” could cost you a $300 fine in NSW …
THEN …
Can I suggest the fine should be even more when the instrument is a recorder?
I had no idea playing music badly could have police on your doorstep issuing you with an infringement notice. But since 2019 there have been eight people to cop a fine for just that.
Fair enough, I say!
But I don’t like the idea that in NSW you can be fined $410 for honking your horn to say goodbye!
In the past five years 630 people have been fined for misuse of a horn – bringing $226,000 into the state coffers.
How else are you meant to say goodbye to grandma?
Nor did I know that climbing a tree in a public park is a fineable offence. But it is. So now I’m at a complete loss as to what to do with myself this afternoon.
I might take up the trombone.
Oh wait …
IF …
People are throwing shade at Robert Kennedy Jr for eating Maccas after being appointed to head up the Department of Health and Human Services …
THEN …
They should get a life.
RFK promised to make Americans healthy, not miserable!
IF …
The Guardian is reporting that Trump’s pick to head energy policy has “no political experience” …
THEN …
Maybe that’s not as bad as they imagine.
Our own Chris Bowen has a lifetime of political experience.
I’d take an oil and gas industry CEO to head up our energy policy every day of the week!
Just a thought, but if Chris Wright was to take Bowen’s place, do you reckon we might get that $275 power bill reduction?
IF …
Most of Hamas' senior terrorists have reportedly left Qatar and fled to Turkey …
THEN …
How does that work? Turkey is a NATO member. So a supposed US ally is now harboring leaders of Hamas, a group responsible for thousands of deaths and currently holding 101 hostages, including US citizens!
"Can I suggest the fine should be even more when the instrument is a recorder?"
Well, that's debatable. I mean, consider the offensive noise Albanese, Wong and Thorpe emit every time they open their mouth? After having to suffer that, any noise from a screeching recorder player would be heavenly music in comparison.
"Playing a musical instrument and “emitting offensive noise” could cost you a $300 fine in NSW."
Oh dear. Given that all three of my children are learning musical instruments and both my husband and I teach instrumental music as a living and operate this business partly from home, I guess we are doing some very risky business.
Furthermore, given that we encourage our students to do lots of practice, what if our students sue us because they got fined for making 'offensive noise' as a result of their neighbour dobbing on them?
Well, I guess I'll just have to prepare for what I'll say when I get a knock on the door by a police officer. When he tells me I am guilty of 'emitting offensive noise',...
I could say "To call Beethoven's music 'offensive noise' is racist against Germans! And as someone who has German heritage, I am offended by your racist comments."
Or I could say "Tell the bitter and twisted neighbour to take up an instrument. It'll help them feel less offended!!"
Or I could say "Thank you!! Given that the premiere of Stravinsky's famous 'The Rite of Spring' was so offensive to the audience that the audience actually began throwing their chairs at the orchestra, I'll take that as a compliment!"