Beyond Meat boss arrested for biting man's nose

“A nose by any other name would taste as meat.” - Bill Shakespeare

Sometimes the jokes just write themselves.

The former boss of a plant-based meat substitute company has been arrested for biting a man’s nose. True story, you can read it here.

The behaviour, unbecoming of a vegan, occurred during a road rage incident.

According to media reports, Beyond Meat COO Doug Ramsay had a beef with another driver and “bit the owner’s nose, ripping the flesh on the tip of the nose.”

Turns out Mr Ramsay wasn’t quite Beyond Meat. Won’t eat animals, but will eat humans.

Perhaps he thought the man’s nose was plant-based. Or maybe, all that craving for meat eventually took its toll. After years of enduring artificial substitutes, he just really missed meat. A lot.

Whatever the reason, he is likely to plead in court that it’s snot his fault. Don’t ask me how I nose this.

In a high steaks court case, a jury will need to decide if it actually was a nose or, or if it was ‘textured vegetable nose-like protein’

Are boogers vegan? Or is that question a little on the nose? I digress.

Mr Ramsey, who clearly bit off more than he could chew, is due to appear in Fayetteville District Court on October 19.

Defence attorney Hannibal Lector will argue that the man's nose was comprised of tofu and black beans, with a taste described as "indistinguishable from a standard cartilage-and-blood nose"

He will try to convince a jury that his client was not thinking clearly when the offence took place due to malnutrition. And that the nose was an obvious plant.

His client honestly thought it would be okay since the man he bit had cauliflower ears.

Officers at the scene will testify that Mr Ramsay insisted he had done nothing wrong. He was just taking a bite of beyond human.

Beyond Meat are standing by their former boss and have announced they will begin work on a vegetarian nose substitute called Beyond Nose. Okay, I made that bit up.

But shares in Beyond Meat did nosedive when the story broke.

Enjoy your day. And stay away from vegans.