What it's Like to Be a TV Political Commentator

PEOPLE have been asking me what it’s like to appear on Sky News as a political commentator. Well, it’s like this …

You spend all day nervously preparing for five minutes of live television. And then - when it’s over - you devote the rest of the evening to forensically dissecting 300 seconds of your life in a bid to determine whether or not you should ever have been born.

You check your text messages to see which, if any, of your friends saw the segment and approved.

Then you check Twitter to see how many trolls are commenting on your sexuality.

Then you go back to your text messages.

Damn, a single text from mum. And she doesn’t even have Sky. She just wants to know how I went.

Well mum, according to the Twitter mob …

Anyway, here’s how it typically works.

You get an email mid to late afternoon on the day you are appearing, advising the topics to be covered.

You sweat on that email.

The earlier it arrives, the more time you have to prepare. But as noon turns into 3pm and then becomes 3.10pm and is suddenly 3.30pm and now 3.31pm … the tension builds.

I hear the ping my email makes when a new one drops. It’s the Sky News producer outlining six to ten subjects we will cover tonight.

The first one I have no idea about. The Queensland government has increased mining royalties.

Heck.

Google mining royalties.

Google coal, and coal jobs, and coal share price … and while I’m at it I’ll google AFL news because it’s impossible to be online and to stay on point.

Wait. No. I’m on television in a couple of hours. The AFL can wait.

Google Queensland state budget. That’s a good idea.

Okay, now I’ve read too much. It’s 4.20pm and there are still another eight subjects to get my head around.

But before I can move on I need to summarise what I’ve learned about the government’s royalties grab and decide what I think. Then I need to jot down bite-sized thoughts that will be good to deliver on live television.

Royalties on coal revenue went from 15% to 40% (when the price of coal is $300 a tonne or more - which it is). Imagine running a business expecting to pay 15% tax and then being hit with 40%.

Investor confidence. Job losses. Broken election promises. They are all jotted down on my notepad.

A coal mining executive described it as like “going to bed in Queensland and waking up in Argentina”. That’s a great line. I’ll use that.

The next topic is similar. Energy Minister Chris Bowen has blamed lack of maintenance on coal-fired power stations for the energy shortage. I know about this. I’ve read it in the news.

But what do I think about it?

Well, the crazy thing about the energy crisis is that it was all completely foreseeable, right?

Governments implement policies that discourage investment in coal-fired power stations … and then blame lack of investment in coal-fired power stations for the energy crisis. It’s idiocy.

Jot that down. That’ll make a good grab.

I think you need pithy statements that make the point but that are also memorable, or clever. Lucky I’m pithy and clever.

And humble. Some say I’m a humble man with much to be humble about. That’s a Winston Churchill line. Stop distracting me. It’s already 5pm.

Topic three is more government taxes. This time Queensland want to impose a tourism levy. I’m clueless on this. I mean, off the top of my head, it doesn’t make much sense does it?

Tourists are price sensitive - or at least I am - and it’s incredibly naïve to think that government levies won’t drive tourist numbers down.

Okay, here’s another thought off the top of my head. Won’t the government use the new tax to replace existing funding that will be reallocated elsewhere? So the tourism industry will be no better off but tourists will be worse off which means ultimately the tourism industry itself will be worse off.

Good thought James. You’re on fire. So’s the clock. It’s 5.30pm already!

Now I’m reading articles on tourism levies around the world. Did you know some European cities are using tourism levies to address what they call “over-tourism”?

So you’ve got European countries using tourism levies to keep tourist numbers at a manageable level and you’ve got the Queensland government insisting a tourism levy won’t adversely affect tourist numbers. They can’t both be right.

I’m pretty happy with a few tourism zingers that are now sitting, television-ready, on my notepad.

Damn. Look at the time.

Is my laptop charged?

I need another coffee.

I don’t have time to pee.

I’m going to pee anyway.

I didn’t really pee. I mean, I stood there like I was going to pee, but I didn’t pee. Stupid nerves playing tricks on my bladder.

I’ve only got an hour before I’m on. And the email says they want to talk about Sri Lankans being the first “net zero refugees”.

Huh?

I’m googling “net zero refugees” but I can’t find anything.

I’m reasonably familiar with Sri Lanka. Good tea. Average cricket team. But net zero refugees? Nadar. Nil. Nothing.

I’m running out of time and so I make the fateful decision to skip that topic. I’m appearing on a panel, after all, with a government senator. Surely he’ll get that question.

(You just know what’s going to happen don’t you).

What’s left?

Greens leader Adam Bandt’s refusal to stand in front of the Australian flag. I’m all over this one. I wrote about it for The Spectator earlier in the week.

Greens Senator Lidia Thorpe admitting that she only swore allegiance to “the colonising Queen” in order to infiltrate parliament. Oh I love this one.

It must be tricky to be a member of the Australian Senate while arguing that the Australian Senate is illegitimate.

Well, not if you cross your fingers when you take the oath of allegiance, it’s not!

I’m making myself laugh. Am I funny? I don't know. Hopefully mum will think so.

Wait. Mum doesn’t have Sky television. Why is she so cheap? Does she not love me? I don’t have time to worry about that now.

I jot down thoughts on a couple of other topics and then I come to the last one which is perfect. They want to discuss an article I wrote for The Spectator on the Essex Police. I’ll nail this one.

Oh no. Is that the time?

I set up my laptop.

Where’s my ear phones? You need ear phones or you get an echo during the broadcast which is never good.

That laptop angle is all wrong. Viewers will see straight up my nose. A box. I need a box to put my lap top on.

Laptop is now perched on a box. Microphone is sitting on a book so it’s as close to me as possible while remaining out of shot.

Am I ready?

I wish I had more hair. Too late to do anything about that.

There’s a Sky News producer in my ear telling me we are on in 30 seconds.

Why is it that I haven’t needed to cough all day and now, with 10 seconds remaining before I appear on live television I have a frog in my throat? What are the odds?

Quick coughs.

Water.

Shove the glass out of shot.

“Thanks, it’s great to be with you,” I reply, as the host, Rowan Dean, introduces me.

Remember that coal mining royalties subject? I’m not asked about it. That line about waking up in Argentina would have been soooo good. Never mind.

I think i’m about to be asked about the energy crisis. Yep. Here it comes.

“Well Rowan …”

And I’m away. A few stumbles over some words, but it’s okay.

The senator is now talking about the tourism levy. I’m not asked about it. Pity. I’d scribbled down some good thoughts.

Now the host is introducing the Sri Lanka refugees topic.

Oh no. NO!

It occurs to me that the senator spoke last so there’s a good chance the host will throw the topic to …

Hell. He’s asking me about it.

I give a short answer, pivoting the topic to the Government’s boarder policy which is easier to talk about and kind of on point but not really. I think I got away with it. The senator takes up the subject and nails it. Thank God.

Here come the Greens politicians.

I’ve got a line ready for this.

“Well Rowan, Green herbs come in many types, but Dill is the best descriptor for this one.”

The host is laughing. And the senator laughing as well. I mean, he’s roaring with laughter. This is good.

I make the point that if Lidia Thorpe is the indigenous “Voice” to parliament, then it should make voters think twice when we are asked to change the constitution via a referendum during this government’s term.

The host says I make a great point (why thank you) and asks the senator if he agrees.

“Nice work,” I think to myself. Nice work.

I feel like I’ve got my groove on now, and with the Essex Police topic to come, I’m ready to dominate.

“Well that’s all we have time for tonight. Thanks James Macpherson and Senator Matt Canavan for joining me.”

Wait.

What?

But …

And that’s it.

My phone buzzes. It’s mum wanting to know how I went.

(I’m doing it all over again tonight on The Bolt Report around 7.30pm)