Starbucks Coffee Keeps You Woke

Coffee chain spreads the transgendered gospel

As if to prove that they have learned absolutely nothing from the Bud Lite fiasco, Starbucks have decided to make their coffee the brew of choice for the gender confused.

It’s like they saw what trans influencer Dylan Mulvaney did to Bud Lite and took it as a challenge.

“Did you see Bud Lite sales are down more than 20 per cent after using a trans activist to promote their beverage? Let’s see if we can’t decrease our sales by THIRTY per cent!”

Starbucks has released a slick advertisement in India promoting their stores as the perfect place for biological men to introduce themselves to their dads as women.

Isn’t it funny how anthropologists around the world condemn Christian missionaries for changing culture, but they won’t condemn the American coffee chain for preaching gender fluidity in India.

The two minute long advertisement beings with a middle aged couple sitting at Starbucks waiting anxiously for their son, Arpit, to arrive.

The wife scolds the grim looking father:

“Listen, don’t get angry this time please.”

I knew it! The dad is a transphobe.

Bigot.

Suddenly the Starbucks door swings open and - as soft music plays - in walks Arpit, wearing make up and a bright red dress.

Arpit gives mum a warm hug. But with dad, it’s more of a difficult side-on hug, and without much affection.

Yep, dad’s definitely a transphobe. Probably a Pentecostal Christian if such things exist in India. I bet he’s actually white.

Anyway, Arpit puts his handbag down and, after a long awkward pause, says:

“Thank you papa for meeting me. I know it’s been years. But you still mean the world to me.”

If it’s been years since the pair have met, then Arpit’s transformation from T20 cricketer to Bollywood actress must come as a massive shock.

And right on cue, Dad stands to his feet as if about to walk out.

Inclusive mum and transgendered Arpit look at each other, distraught.

But then, just as you thought dad was going to go full Let Women Speak in the middle of Starbucks, he smiles and simply says:

“Coffee?”

It’s not the reaction anyone expected. Clearly dad has been sneaking soy lattes when no-one else in the family had been looking.

The commercial’s message seems pretty clear at this point … when your son identifies as a woman, what better place to be than Starbucks, where motor oil identifies as coffee.

As they wait for the coffees, dad observes his son tapping on the table and remarks:

“Your habits haven’t changed”

That is very true. His son is now a woman, but she still taps her fingers on the table, just as his son once did. Soooooo, nothing’s really changed.

The moment is interrupted by a Starbucks employee who calls out with a big smile …

Three cold coffees for Arpita!

Aprit is stunned.

Arpita? Dad ordered the coffees under his son’s new female name.

This is where the commercial lost me. Anyone who has been to Starbucks knows they never get your name right. But I digress.

“For you, you are still my kid,” dad says. “Only a letter has got added to your name.”

Well, yeah. There’s clearly been a bit more than the addition of a vowel, but sure. Let’s go with that.

By the way, just on that, Starbucks can add a letter to your name, but they can’t add an X to your chromosomes. But I’m letting science get in the way of a good coffee commercial.

Father and son hold hands, suddenly transformed into father and daughter as the music crescendos.

And with that single coffee Arpita went on to dominate women's college swim meets.

Not really. I just made that last part up. I mean, he may have, however Starbucks obviously don’t have time to show the consequences of their ideology.

But if only more people would go to Starbucks, you just find a whole bunch of Arpitas trapped inside Arpits would be helped.

The commercial concludes with the Starbucks slogan …

“It Starts With Your Name”

That part of the ad was a little confusing. For a second I thought the guy went trans because Starbucks wrote the wrong name on his cup.

Anyway, you have to wonder whether Starbucks management really think this will sell coffees. Or are they just trying to change culture?

You also have to wonder when Starbucks will produce a similar ad to promote their product in Saudi Arabia.

Most coffee keeps you awake. Starbucks keeps you Woke.

The ‘trans is beautiful’ advertisement comes just days after a Starbucks employee in the US was sacked for screaming at a customer who allegedly ‘misgendered’ a staff member.

One can understand the staff member’s upset.

Starbucks Chief Global Inclusion and Diversity Officer Dennis Brockman - who signs off his staff emails with (he/him/his) - wrote to green apron wearers in March last year that …

We are committed to creating a safe, brave place where you are valued. That includes your right to self-identify in your own way and to be addressed by your preferred or chosen name and pronouns.

Apparently a customer didn’t get that memo, and so addressed a staff member who looked like a lady as “lady”, not realising that the staff member had recently shared a Starbucks with her dad and, as a result, changed gender.

This sent non-binary Starbucks employee Luna Spain (remember, it starts with your name) into a rage.

As the Indian dad wisely observed … you can change your pronouns, but habits don’t change.

Luna booted the customer from the store - and then assaulted the customer’s partner - for transphobia.

Starbucks have since sacked Luna. And judging by the initial reaction to Starbucks new TV commercial in India, they’ll be getting rid of staff there as well.

Customers flooded social media to say they would definitely be taking up Starbuck’s encouragement to transition … not to a different gender, but to a coffee outlet that serves coffee without a liberal sprinkling of gender fluidity.