Penny Wong Proposes Calming the Ayatollah With Essential Oils and Group Hugs

In what historians will one day call either the most courageous act of modern diplomacy or an elaborate ABC sketch, Foreign Minister Penny Wong has teamed up with Greta Thunberg, to bring lasting peace to the Middle East - encouraging Israel and Iran to hug it out.

Speaking on the ABC’s Insiders Sunday morning - wearing rainbow lanyards and accompanied by a didgeridoo player for “cultural depth”—Wong and and Sweden’s Goblin of Doom unveiled their bold plan, titled “Operation Group Hug: Tehran to Tel Aviv”

“We believe the root cause of conflict is unexpressed emotion and a lack of authentic connection,” Wong said, before lighting a peace-scented soy candle.

“Our planet is overheating, and so are tempers,” Wong solemnly intoned, standing next to Greta in front of a wall of ethically-sourced prayer flags.

“We believe it’s time the world’s most volatile powder keg cooled off—with compassion and cuddles.”

Thunberg, glaring furiously at a nearby plastic water bottle, told Insiders host David Speers:

“How dare they keep fighting while the planet is literally boiling. We need less high grade uranium and more biodegradable empathy.”

According to leaked briefing notes, the Wong-Greta solution involves the immediate cessation of hostilities, to be followed by a mandatory seven-day “mutual vulnerability retreat,” during which the Ayatollah and Benjamin Netanyahu will participate in guided cuddle circles and spoken-word ceasefire poems.

The plan also proposes replacing Iran’s nuclear program with care packages of kale chips, bamboo yoga mats, and a soothing playlist curated by Yothu Yindi and Coldplay.

Thunberg has put her hand up to …