Meet the Crazies Vying to Be New York Mayor

If you thought New York City couldn’t possibly get any more unhinged, just wait until you meet the Democratic hopefuls vying to be its next mayor.

In a race that feels more like an audition for a Netflix satire than a political contest, these candidates are competing to see who can out-progressive the other in a game of ideological Twister.

From criminal-friendly crime policies to taxpayer-funded therapy goats, it’s a buffet of bad ideas served with a side of moral smugness.

So grab your popcorn - and your wallet - because I’m counting down the five craziest ideas from the leftists who hope to soon soon be running Gotham.

CRAZY #1

Michael Blake, a proud alumnus of the Obama administration (so you know he’s full of good ideas), wants to replace NYPD patrols with 1000 clipboard-wielding therapists.

No, this is not satire.

Michael Blake’s plan?

When chaos erupts, don’t call a cop - summon a deep-breathing specialist trained to hug the rage out of a knife-wielding maniac.

These mental health professionals, apparently impervious to danger and reality, will bravely step in to “de-escalate emergencies” without any of that scary “law enforcement presence.”

Because nothing says public safety like replacing a badge and baton with a feelings journal and a soothing playlist. What could possibly go wrong?

CRAZY #2

NYC Comptroller Brad Lander has come up with a brilliant plan to fix the housing crisis: bulldoze 2500 acres of golf courses.

That’s right, forget crime, inflation or public transport - Lander is going to war with the elderly elite chasing little white balls.

And what will rise from the sand traps and shattered dreams?

“Affirming housing,” naturally.

Not just any homes, but LGBTQ+ senior housing!

Yep, because when you're 85 and on a fixed income, what really matters is that your neighbours know your pronouns.

That’s what you call progress, one divot at a time. I’ll show myself out.

CRAZY #3

I simply have to feature Brad Lander again, because one delusional policy from him just isn’t enough.

As well as turning golf courses into LBGTQ+ friendly housing, he’s proposing to take a big wing at national health policy, pledging “safe, effective abortion care”.

But wait, there’s more.

Lander isn’t just keeping abortion clinic doors open - he’s promising to build an “abortion provider pipeline”.

While the city crumbles under crime, debt, and rats with Instagram accounts, Brad’s grand plan is to become the Planned Parenthood of the Eastern Seaboard.

Inspiring stuff, really.

CRAZY #4

State Senator Zellnor Myrie has bravely stepped forward to protect New York’s most vulnerable - five-year-olds - from the ever-present threat of insufficient wokeness.

According to his website, he’s determined to ensure that kids who still think the tooth fairy is real are thoroughly trained in “anti-discriminatory and anti-hate curriculum.”

Yes, before they can tie their shoes or spell “tolerance,” they’ll be lectured on unconscious bias and systemic oppression.

It’s not enough to teach kids to share crayons anymore. Other people’s children must be forged into pint-sized social justice warriors before recess.

Nothing says progress like politicising nap time.

CRAZY #5

Not content with borrowing economic tips from the Soviet Union, New York Assemblyman Zohran Mamdani now wants state run grocery stores.

The 33-year-old former rapper thinks the same government that can't fix potholes or balance a budget should run your local supermarket.

And I get. it.

Nothing says "fresh produce" like bureaucrats in charge of bananas.

If you liked the efficiency of the the Department of Motor Vehicles, just wait until your lettuce comes with a waiting list and a union rep.

Imagine aisle after aisle of empty shelves, ration coupons, and five-year plans for frozen peas.

And naturally, prices will be “affordable,” which is code for heavily subsidised by taxpayers and proudly stocked with everything you didn’t want.

As Frank Sinatra would have sang …

Start spreading the news,
The comrades are here
They’re taking control of it — New York, New York
The workers unite,
Their banners held high,
Marching through every street in New York, New York