IF/THEN
Things that occur to me as I read the news ...
IF …
this is the official portrait of former Liberal leader Malcolm Turnbull
THEN …
it’s not the one most Liberals would have wanted. They’d have much preferred to see the back of him.
IF …
the Albanese Government can’t find $7b to upgrade our aged and no longer fit-for-purpose defence force satellites, but can find $500,000 to fund research on how to conduct Aboriginal-based space exploration
THEN …
Donald Trump should cancel our nuclear sub contract immediately. We are not a serious nation.
IF …
in a tight labor market, the number of public servants has exploded by 25 percent under the Albanese Government since the last election year (the largest increase on record)
THEN …
wages continue to rise without any corresponding rise in productivity. Inflation is largely being fuelled by the Albanese Government itself.
IF …
Nationals MP Matt Canavan reckons his party is superior to One Nation because while Pauline Hanson was ‘wasting time’ protesting, the burka the Nats were conducting a months long review that recommended dropping Net Zero in order to bring down power prices
THEN …
he’s being a little disingenuous. One Nation have been saying we should ditch Net Zero for years. Do the Nationals really deserve praise for catching up?
IF …
News Ltd papers are going to do an expose on the “wild rules” that govern behaviour within the Mormon Church
THEN …
they could at least find some. According to the expose, “wild rules” include no dating before the age of 16 and no sex before marriage. I’m no fan of the Mormon Church but these commitments are considered “wild”? Really?
IF …
The Federal Court is preventing a school from expelling a disruptive student on the grounds that he has ADHD and therefore expulsion would potentially be discriminating against someone with a disability …
THEN …
we need to redefine “disability”. The school gave evidence in court that the boy’s behaviour had caused distress to other students and to staff, including one teacher who was forced to take stress leave.
IF …
A Queensland nurse found guilty of possessing videos of toddlers being raped by men was given no conviction because the judge ruled possessing the videos did not make him a pedophile and therefore “it is not necessary for a community to know that this man has been convicted of this offence” …
THEN …
the judge should be sacked. Would YOU want to know the nurse treating your child had pleaded guilty to harbouring such videos on his phone?
IF …
Labor backbencher Ed Husic is serious that MPs should not be allowed to own multiple homes because it represents a conflict of interest during a housing crisis
THEN …
we have reached a new level of stupid in the Federal Labor Party. Husic told the Sydney Morning Herald: “Do we really need to own five to 10 homes?”
According to the ABC, Husic owns one property. So, conveniently, calling for colleagues to give up their multiple homes doesn’t affect his interests at all.
IF …
If the English cricket team continue to play Test cricket like it’s a Twenty 20 park match, resulting in the first game being over within two days …
THEN …
Channel Seven executives will be more nervous than Zac Crawly facing Mitchell Starc.
Seven pays about $65 million to broadcast cricket over summer. But games that last just two or three (rather than five) days threaten to cost the network millions in lost advertising revenue and promotional opportunities.
IF …
The media are going to report that the winner of the World’s Strongest Woman competition was stripped of the title after being revealed in porn videos to be a man
THEN …
why do they continue to refer to him as “she” and “her”
Reporting like this from the New York Times, which identifies as a paper of record, just makes the editors look like fools
The controversial winner of the World’s Strongest Woman competition described the challenges of keeping multiple lovers happy in an interview that resurfaced after SHE was stripped of HER title following the discovery that SHE was born a man.
But after explicit pictures and videos appearing to show Booker is a transgender former porn star were sent to HER fellow competitors, Booker had HER title removed on Tuesday.
IF …
US Ambassador to Greece Kimberly Guilfoyle continues to wear sheer outfits to formal gatherings
THEN …
I suppose no-one can accuse the Trump Administration of failing in its promise to be completely transparent.
(Fun fact … Guilfoyle, aged 56, is former wife to California Governor Gavin Newsom and former fiancé of Donald Trump Jr)
IF …
Victoria Premier Jacinta Allan is going to hold a special session of Parliament to issue yet another apology to the state’s 60,000 Aboriginals
THEN …
I wonder if this time it will be accepted with a heart-felt “we forgive you” and if everyone will be allowed to move on. I think we all know the answer.
IF …
A report by the Australian Transport Safety Bureau is true … that hot air balloon rides are nearly 10 times riskier than a joy flight in a helicopter or light plane
THEN …
I am going to bank the one hot air balloon ride I took a few years ago - it was magnificent - and not tempt fate again. Am I over-reacting?
👏👏👏 Haha.
I love your If/Then.
By the way, I’m reminded of what a dweeb Turnbul was/is!
Move over Rudyard, Kipling. Another great column!