"Honey, I Shrank the Nation"

How the Labor team consigned us to international irrelevancy

There was a time – ask your grandfather - when Australia punched above its weight on the world stage.

Our leaders sat at the grown-ups' table, offered real ideas, forged alliances, and occasionally made sense.

But those days have been packed away with the Queen’s portrait, buried beneath a Pride flag and some feel-good emissions targets.

Because under Anthony Albanese, Australia has achieved geopolitical irrelevance, though with a sense of smug moral superiority.

As the world teeters on the brink of all-out war - China circling Taiwan, Iran facing off with Israel, and Russia locked in a bear hug with Ukraine - Australia has made its position crystal clear: we’re politically, and that’s all that matters.

The Albanese government’s disdain for Donald Trump is palpable.

Our Labor government bet Trump wouldn’t be President again, and haven’t figured out what to do since he shocked them by winning last November.

We’re told that Anthony Albanese has had three very constructive phone calls with the US President.

Penny Wong told journalists …

“In relation to the President, I'm sure there will be a meeting scheduled and the Prime Minister looks forward to building on three very constructive phone calls.”

So constructive, we don’t have an exemption on those tariffs, no-one is sure whether the AUKUS pact is going ahead, and at international meetings Trump pretends Albo doesn’t exist.

Imagine where we’d be if the phone calls had not been constructive.

Well, we’d be right where we are, actually. Hmm.

While plenty of other world leaders have travelled to the White House to build a relationship with the leader of the free world, our PM has done nothing of the sort.

Albanese arranged a 20-minute coffee date on the sidelines of the G7 that, as we all know now, was cancelled when world events required Trump’s attention.

That’s instructive. No-one is seeking Anthony Albanese’s attention.

Albanese’s strategy now is to awkwardly circle summits and global meetings hoping to make eye contact Donald Trump.

GRAB: From 5 second mark to 22 second mark ending “that is something that is under consideration”

Having missed Trump in Canada, and supposing Trump resists Albanese’s overtures at the NATO Summit in The Hague, then Albanese will try again at the UN meeting in New York.

Nothing screams “we’re a serious naton” like our PM flying to three countries in a desperate bid to get a fleeting moment with the man who is supposed to be our major ally.

And if all of that fails, I expect we’ll NEXT hear that Albanese is hiding in the shrubbery at Mar-a-Lago from where he’ll whisper …

“Donald … Donald … it’s me, Anthony … from the G7 …”

Someone needs to tell our PM that foreign policy shouldn’t involve this much stalking.

Australia needs a confident leader strutting the world stage.

Instead, we’ve got Albo checking Trump’s travel schedule like a groupie checking tour dates.

But this is about more than just Anthony Albanese.

It’s about an entire approach to diplomacy, based not on realpolitik but on Twitter-likes and Guardian op-eds.

If Trump is dangerous, brash, and willing to project power—traits that once won wars and deterred enemies—then Albo’s team will have none of it.

They prefer leaders who speak softly, and carry a big apology.

Penny Wong urged Israel and Iran to de-escalate and engage in dialogue days AFTER the 60 days of de-escalated dialogue organised by Donald Trump had run out.

And Chris Bowen, just yesterday, couldn’t say that he supported Israel’s mission to destroy Iran’s nuclear capability. Only that he didn’t agree with everything Israel does.

What he meant to say was ...

“I can’t agree that an authoritarian, theocratic regieme chanting death to Israel and death to America while brandishing a near-complete nuclear bomb needs to be taken care of, because, well, have you seen how many Middle Eastern voters are in my Western Sydney electorate?”

Israel, once our steadfast ally, is now treated like an embarrassing relative we try not to mention at dinner.

Australia’s cooling relationship with Israel - formerly one of the most important democratic alliances in the region - reveals the true bankrupcy of Albanese’s foreign policy vision.

In a region overrun by theocrats, kleptocrats, and outright terrorists, the Albanese government has taken the brave stance of criticising the one country where women vote, journalists don’t disappear, gays can parade, and the courts actually function.

Courageous stuff.

The moral contortionism is Commonwealth Games level. Not a Victorian Commonwealth Games. More a Scottish Commonwealth Games that Victorians pay for.

Iran threatens death to Isarel by nuclear bomb. And the Albanese Government’s reflex reaction is to suggest we ought to have some “nuance” around that.

And when Israel, weirdly deciding they’d rather not be wiped off the map by a nuclear explosion, strikes back ...

Quick, call Penny Wong to condemn the disproportionate response. It’s diplomacy by ABC talking point.

But you know all this.

My point is that all of this has transformed Australia into a global spectator, squinting from the bleachers while the real players get down to business.

And yet, the Albanese government couldn’t care less.

Their foreign policy isn’t about outcomes; it’s about optics.

They don’t want to shape events. They want to be invited to the right international Zoom calls, so they can nod solemnly about climate change, and if all goes well, host COP31 in Adelaide next year.

Albo’s foreign policy doctrine is simple: condemn the West when it defends itself, praise the UN when it says nothing, and never, under any circumstances, be seen within 500 metres of Donald Trump.

Meanwhile, our traditional allies are wondering if Australia is still in the game or just there for the catering.

European nations are arming up, talking tough, and - in some cases - flirting with reality.

But Australia? If we had submarines we’d likely bebusy doing an audit on the crew’s gender balance.

Of course, things might all work out.

Maybe Iran surrenders its nuclear capability and Middle Eastern skies fall quiet.

Maybe Hamas apologise and turn themselves into a book club.

Maybe X Jinping gets a hobby.

Maybe the world goes back to being polite.

But in the real world, power respects power.

And while Albanese is dithering to find just the right words in order to say nothing of consequence about anything of consequence, the rest of the planet is picking sides and preparing for impact.

Australia used to be the country that showed up. Now we’re the country that shows off.

A nod to the international rules-based order over here. A wave to the virtues of dialogue and round tables over there.

If Albanese wants Australia to matter again, he might try something radical: engage with Trump whether he likes him or not, back our democratic allies like Israel without blushing, and put grown-up interests ahead of progressive hashtags.

But then again, that would mean having principles and leading - something this government seems absolutely allergic to.