Gang Violence Solved as Victorian Government Bans Machetes

BREAKING: Violent youth gangs have announced they will disolve at noon on Wednesday when the Victorian government’s machete ban comes into effect.

Notorious gang leader Outon Bale told journalists his violent band of marauding thugs would leave their lives of crime and take up knitting, since needles and yarn would still be able to be bought in shops.

“We were only robbing houses and hacking random people to death in the streets because Bunnings was selling sharp knives,” he said.

“Now that the knives are no longer on sale, we’ll be knitting jumpers.

“We’ve advised our members that Spotlight stocks a wide variety of yarn in 8-ply acrylic, and that knitting needles are currently on special.”

Outon Bale gave special thanks to the Victorian Government for finally getting tough on stores that stocked machetes.

“It was pretty outrageous that blades had been left on shelves, and at affordable prices, for so long,” he said.

He told of his shock when, having been released on bail for the eighteenth time after his sixty third home invasion, he discovered machetes could still be purchased.

“I mean, we stole the machetes. But we could have purchased them if we had wanted to, and that just seemed very dangerous to me.”

Victorian Premier Jacinta Allan said she would have banned machetes earlier, but she had only recently been advised blades longer than 20cm were unable to vote.

“I had been under the impression that machetes voted in State elections and so I was going to protect them in the same way that I protect corrupt union leaders, batshit crazy trans activists and journalists at the ABC,” she said.

“The moment I learned machetes can’t punish Labor at the ballot box; I did something about them. It was the principled thing to do.”

She said the Government would use “extraordinary powers” to enforce the ban, but could not say why the extraordinary powers did not extend to arresting, jailing, or deporting criminals.

When asked why the machete ban would come into effect on Wednesday rather than immediately, she shrugged dismissively …