Don't Believe Your Lying Ears

Months of forensic analysis finds the entire world is hard of hearing

Don’t believe your lying ears.

You only thought you heard a pro-Palestinian mob chanting “Gas the Jews” outside the Sydney Opera House.

But hey, what would you know, big ears?

After a three month investigation employing expert contortionists, the NSW police have twisted and turned until finally arriving at a position where they can confidently say that no-one heard what they thought they heard on October 9.

The mob weren’t yelling “Gas the Jews”, no matter what the entire world heard.

They were actually yelling “Where’s the Jews”

And they were yelling it in an inquisitive, kind of playful manner. As in, “Where’s the Jews? We want to gas them.”

So no crime was committed.

And NSW police can now go back to their normal duties which consist primarily of assuring us that Sydney Imam’s who call for the killing of Jews don’t really mean it and therefore cannot be charged.

Deputy Police Commissioner Mal Lanyon, struggling with all his might to maintain a straight face, told a press conference today that …

“Investigators engaged an eminent expert in biometric science. That expert has conducted an audio, visual and acoustic phonetic analysis of the audio visual files.

“As a result of that examination the expert has concluded with overwhelming certainty that the phrase chanted during that protest was “Where the Jews?” and not another phrase as otherwise widely reported.”

As “reported”?

You’re kidding me, aren’t you?

“Gas the Jews” was not a phrase “widely reported”. It was a phrase we all heard with our own ears.

But thanks to an eminent expert we now know that our ears lied, all at the same time.

Was the "expert" from the Gaza Ministry for Health?

Incidentally, since when did police engage eminent experts to conduct forensic analysis with a view to determining people’s innocence?

And if the mob was chanting “Where’s the Jews” to what end?

Why were they looking for Jews?

And what might have happened if a Jew was found?

Police found a guy with an Israeli flag that night and arrested him, for his own safety, remember?

Whatever. No-one can say, for sure what would have happened. Perhaps the mob wanted to present Jews with flowers. Who could know without an eminent expert conducting months of forensic analysis?

Perhaps the mob weren’t calling for a holocaust, only for a pogram. And that makes all the difference!

Let’s go Brandon.

If NSW police are going to stand in front of news cameras and lie to the entire world, they should at least make it fun.

“Where’s the Jews”?

Pfft.

It doesn’t even make sense.

Tell us the mob was chanting “Where’s the Juice” after becoming dehydrated from expending so much energy chanting “Gas the Jews”. And do it with a wink.

After all, we already know the police force is a joke.