Canberra Hosts Five-Hour Nap Disguised as Productivity Summit

The Albanese Government’s Productivity Summit promises to solve Australia’s economic malaise the only way our government knows how - by doing very little, but with outstanding catering.

The timetable of Day One was leaked to the James Macpherson Report late last night and I share it exclusively here …

10:45am – 11am Arrive

Delegates will trickle in, already exhausted from their taxpayer funded flights to the nation’s capital.

They will then embark on the herculean task of finding a taxpayer-funded parking spot close to the venue.

Productivity begins with punctuality, so naturally, no one will be on time.

11am – 11:15am Welcome to Country

A solemn reminder to delegates that they are standing on stolen land, before they start planning new ways to steal taxpayer dollars.

11.15am – 12.15pm Morning Tea (Provided)

An hour of productivity in action: highly paid bureaucrats leaning over free muffins to agree that “something must be done.”

The likely outcome of morning tea will be general agreement that productivity is best measured in how many Tim Tams can be demolished before noon. Early projections suggest record growth.

12.15pm – 12.30pm Public Service Union: The Benefits of a Three-Day Working Week

The unions will argue that if working five days doesn’t make us richer, surely working three will.

It’s the kind of maths only public servants and toddlers believe.

Next year they’ll pitch the revolutionary idea of increasing wealth by not working at all.

12.30pm – 2.30pm Lunch (Provided)

Two hours has been allocated for lunch because rushing through a taxpayer-funded buffet would be un-Australian

Remember: in Canberra, chewing counts as productivity.

2.30pm – 2.31pm Chris Bowen: His Achievements as Energy Minister

There was a lot of debate as to whether Chris Bowen really needed a whole minute to give his prepared speech, which is republished below, in full …

“Lights still on … sometimes.”

Cue standing ovation.

2.31pm – 2.40pm Jim Chalmers: Taxing Our Way to Prosperity

Australia’s Treasurer explains how taking more money from workers magically makes them richer. It’s ecomonics by Harry Potter.

2.40pm – 3.30pm Afternoon Tea (Provided)

Another fifty minutes dedicated to not working.

If caffeine increased productivity, this government would be running the world.

3.30pm – 3.50pm Anthony Albanese’s Grand Summary

After an exhausting day it will be time for the Prime Minister to recap the day’s achievements - chiefly, demolishing the catering budget.

Delegates will then be invited to take selfies with him to prove they were at work while doing nothing.

Participants will be encouraged to upload photos captioned #productivity

3.50pm Close

The summit formally ends, having achieved less in five hours than most tradies get done before smoko.

Participants will have the evening to recover from the taxing ordeal of having to sit through two speeches and participate in three meals.

4pm – 7pm Cocktails

Because you can’t spell “productivity” without gin.

7pm – 10pm Gala Dinner (Free)

The final demonstration of Albanese-era economics: endless consumption, no production, and the bill sent straight to the taxpayer.

So there you have it.

If productivity means endless breaks, shorter work weeks, and Bowen bragging about blackouts, then Australia is truly leading the world - in producing nothing at great expense.