Australia is Beached As

How do you dispose of a whale?

Northern NSW residents are paying the wages of local councillors who don’t have the authority to wipe blubber from a beach.

When a whale washed up and died on Seven Mile Beach last week, the Ballina Shire Council had to ring the local Aboriginal land council for instructions.

Should the council bury the carcass?

Or should they drag it out to sea?

Maybe they could fill it with dynamite and blow the giant fish to pieces?

According to a report in the ABC, the Ballina Council was not allowed to make any decision on the dead whale without approval from the Jali Local Aboriginal Land Council.

"Jali is the lead agent and there are protocols in place that Jali must be consulted so that's where the decision-making process lies," Ballina Mayor Sharon Cadwallader said.

I imagine the phone call went something like this …

Mayor: "Hi, there's a dead whale on the beach.”

Land Council: “So?”

Mayor: “Well what do we do with it?”

Land Council: “How should we know? We’re a land council not a whale removal service.”

Mayor: “Sure, I understand that. But the legislation says we can’t do anything without consulting you guys on what must happen.”

Land Council: “You’re saying you can’t move the dead whale from the beach where you’re holding your surfing tournament without our say-so?”

Mayor: “Exactly. Look, we just need it cleaned up okay. So if you could just …”

Land Council: “Well, if you’re going to bury it there will need to be a smoking ceremony. This is very important. We can organise one of those for $1500 + GST.

Mayor: “That seems pretty steep.”

Land Council: “Racist!”

Mayor: “No, I just mean that …”

Land Council: “Listen to me. A dead whale has enormous cultural significance. Without a smoking ceremony we won’t close the gap and we’ll be further away from reconciliation than we’ve ever been. And the world is watching to see what kind of mayor you are.”

Mayor: “Just make it quick. The fish is stinking up the whole beach”.

Land Council: “Travel and rehearsal costs will also apply.”

Mayor: “You’re kidding me!”

Land Council: “White supremaci …”

Mayor: “Okay, okay. $1500, plus GST, plus travel costs, plus rehearsal costs.”

Land Council: “And the small fee for this consultation.”

Mayor: “What the f …”

Land Council: “It’s not a radical proposition. This is a modest and gracious request. And the invoice has already be drawn up in the red dirt of Uluru and it’s from the heart and stuff.

Mayor: “Fine. Whatever. Just tell me how we are meant to bury this bloody whale.”

Land Council: “How the hell would we know? You’re the council. Rubbish disposal is your job.”